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This was written by Bill Anschell who has a nice website with planty of other humorous articles- www.billanschell.comJazz Math
1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp.
2. The number of notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad is
proportional to the number of drinks he has consumed.
3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4.667) + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = Horn player trading fours with the drummer.
4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally) annual income of Jamie Aebersold, in dollars.
5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ...
6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = The drummer's gig
7. If the number of drinks consumed per musician = the number of drinks comped by club, then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20(pay for gig).
8. 1 uptempo tune +1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first)
9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.
10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle
11. Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity.
12. Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break.
13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + Yorkyork + Yorknew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds)=medley from hell
14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats per chorus.
15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on break, then (d ) (xyz /pay of the gig, in dollars), predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument.
16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician <one individual cover charge.
17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the
instrument.
18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.
19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.
20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp eggrolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig
21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people?
Would you take it for 1/2 that much?
(If yes): Desperation/pride = 1
After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers
to play the same gig for 1/2 as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but 1/2 as good-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing?
22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?
22. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer?
23. If (% of Americans who like jazz) < (% of Americans who like chainsaw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?
2 comments:
Love the blogs fella, I thought they were serious formulae at first. LOL. The emotional approach also makes perfect sense now, that is one of the things lacking in my recent performance, mostly due to being overwhelmed by preparation for the unknown and all the other data overriding. Yet I see now that all this data is ephemeral yet no less important when the emotional approach is taken from the outset, it gives a means of achieving what would seem impossible with the other approach. It also makes the application of QBL make more sense and the
need to experience these states of mind on a basis which can be re-activated at any point from meditation /ritual.
First gig over with. Drew about 50 people from festival crowd of 100 as
warm up act. Good reception some really supportive comments from
strangers made me feel it was worthwhile..
More importantly experienced a moderately strange phenomena - focus. I realised that a single minded focus does not relate to one single train of thought as rather it does mean only heading towards one goal. On stage I could think simultaneously about all the musical ephemera relating to the performance, without effecting it i.e. it was not Barry
Green's (inner game of music) musical "Self2" who comes up with such thoughts to distract you from your purpose it seemed at least to be said pure focus, almost an out of body experience i.e.ability to watch your own thought.
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